“I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me…And I don’t really see you hearing me and I don’t really see you changing, so. I just summed it up for you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t figure it out sooner…But consider it a testament to your charms, because you might not know this, but you are very, very charming. And I really care about you. And I don’t want to anymore, because it feels too shitty for me. So I’m gonna leave.”
- Hannah Horvath to her sometime lover, Adam Sackler
When Leah Dunham’s character uttered those words (that she scripted herself), I had to go back and listen to her say them again. I can’t relate to a lot of what goes on in the series, but I totally got what she said. In that episode, Hannah doesn’t leave. Seconds after giving him that brave speech – which I shortened – she and Adam start making out. I don’t know how they continue as a couple since I’ve only seen a few episodes of the show, but I know that I should be smart enough to leave because -
I have been feeling shitty.
Ever since Nick and I parted at the airport two months ago, I’ve been inside out and upside down. These are the things I cannot deny but obviously have been trying hard to deny:
(BB: Before Boston; AB: After Boston)
BB: Endearments, compliments, “you’re on my mind constantly”; AB: Not so much
BB: Equal amount of calling, texting; AB: I call and text more
BB: SexyTalk/Text; AB: Less than minimal
BB: Urgency to see me; AB: Seemingly none
There’s a reason I haven’t written too much about him. I’ve felt optimistic, then discouraged. Happy, then disappointed with him. And myself. That’s the worst.
I was doing that thing, you know, that thing that puts women, actually any individual at a psychological and emotional disadvantage: making excuses, doubting myself, not being treated the way I deserve to be treated, ignoring the signs. I completely hate admitting all of this. Really hate it. I should know better. That’s the ironic thing about making mistakes: sometimes we know better even as we’re making them, yet we still forge ahead down the wrong path.
A long distance relationship sucks if both parties aren’t equally committed to it. Well, any relationship, no matter the distance, can suck without shared commitment. I can’t really blame distance, can I. I don’t think I’m well-suited to this type of undefined togetherness. Casual dating I understand; you have to date to get to know a new person. But this sort of “I’m committed to you, until I’m not…let’s see how it goes” kind of casualness makes the planner in me feel like I jumped into this whole thing before checking to see if my parachute would open. I usually double- and triple-check this kind of thing, but I wanted to take an exciting risk and I sure did. However, I probably shouldn’t have tried to make it last longer with a guy who essentially is not really right for me.
So what the hell do I want?? My friend M said, “It’s obvious what you want…you want a relationship.” It’s true. I can’t begin to construct a solid one – and I have to be solid first – if all of the pieces aren’t there. I do want to share those “couple” moments, those connections: sharing unspoken looks, sex and love, caring for one another, cooking, and completely cracking each other up. Preferably while in the same room.
I’ve had moments like this. I remember how it feels.
So yeah, I went the wrong way once again. It happened because I wasn’t being true to myself. Things get a bit messy and off balance when this happens. Sometimes you can careen off course. I woke up from a nightmare a few weeks ago in which I backed my car into a neighbor’s house. I couldn’t seem to figure out when to stop going in reverse and started heading towards the house, my foot on the gas pedal. The sense of inevitability, of being the driver yet still feeling out of control woke me up gasping for air. Uh, I’m sure the symbolic meaning has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m feeling in real life.
I was doing some organizing and found this among my papers. It’s a comment made by my teacher from my 5th grade progress report:
I believe that our good qualities can have bad aspects if you lose yourself and sacrifice who you are. For example, being understanding is a wonderful quality, but understanding to the point where you get taken advantage of and stepped on? No. Not good. So, when I was ten years old, my teacher observed a quality in me that as an adult, allows me to connect to others in an important way. But it also hurts me as an adult when I forget to be good to myself – not in the ego-stroking way but in a respectful way.
Sing it, Aretha. Good and loud, please. My hearing hasn’t been so good lately.