Because I never really dated that much in the past, I was looking forward to finding out what it was going to be like. I joked about wanting to juggle men. I pictured myself being cool, casual, carefree. “Date like a man” my friend Neal told me. But I’ve started to notice that I’m looking for that connection, that recognition of oh, hello…yes…I feel what’s possible with you. Does that happen? Is that too much to ask? Maybe all those romantic, meet-cute comedies I used to watch have twisted my brain into an over-salted, unrealistic pretzel.
I’m not looking for the perfect, fantasy man. I know he doesn’t exist. At my high school reunion, one of my former classmates nodded knowingly when I shared that strange men tend to be attracted to me. “I hear ya,” She said. “But it only takes one.” He could be anywhere. Mae, is it true? Could he be with another woman right now? Take your hands off my future man, you hussy!!
I only want to discover the one who is perfect for me and I for them. It’s possible, right? Or am I on the Pretzel Train and every stop is SingleTown?
It’s also possible that I could drop dead tomorrow. Or the next day. I would be dead without ever having found love again. That pisses me off. But if I’m dead, I won’t know how to get upset – I won’t even know I’m dead, so I guess it’s a moot point.
Life doesn’t follow a straight line (like this post), so I have no idea what it has in store for me. Before I don’t know I’m dead, I would like to accomplish the following things this year and the next:
1) find a new job
2) move
3) travel to Italy and/or Spain
4) keep
— my mom just informed me that my face looks really round: “You look round here [cups her cheeks with her palms]. I wonder why…you exercise enough. Maybe I just don’t look at your face that often.”
1) move
2) exercise more
3) find a job that keeps me moving
4) travel
5) continue to date
6) continue being open to possibility
7) keep…keep what?? (I have no clue what I was about to write.) keep on truckin’? keep my head up, my spirits high and hope to love again before I die?
That train stop at my reunion must have done a number on me. I thought I had chased away the dark clouds that my mom the inner critic brought in a few days ago, but some of them still linger.
Next stop?
Not sure. Think I need to catch that transfer out of CheekFat Town, so I’d better start running.
jane in training 
maybe it is, maybe it’s not. those are just things i think about it on a sunday lying in bed, wishing i had someone to be lazy with, but i keep telling myself that if my soul mate really is making love to someone else right now, then it’s just not the time for us, but that time will come. and i don’t believe that there only is one…
the best advice the universe is giving me right now is to try not to think about it so much. now should be the time to enjoy yourself and do the things you like to do. like if you have ideas or hobbies, put them into action. make those ideas physical. if you say you want to go to italy, go to italy. if you say you want to grow some strawberries, plant some strawberries. ideas and desires are usually never fulfilled and it makes us feel half alive. i mean, is it just me or does completing a project make you feel content? the more you do for yourself, the better you feel…
or you could drop dead tomorrow and never have to worry about a thing ever again, but let’s not do that yet.
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Ah, you’re right. I was in that “do for yourself” mode for the past year, then got sidetracked these last couple of months with all of my over thinking/wanting.
Will have to get back on track…
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i’m ditto-ing mae’s comment. i’m trying to not think about men right now. of course i want to find somebody before i die but i feel like to more i think about it, the more i curse it and the more i feel sad.
i’m living in the now and having fun doing what i want to do (although it would be nice to have someone there) . darn those stupid romantic comedies. they installed bad ideas and sometimes unattainable thoughts.
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yes, i was beginning to feel sad. i think i’ve snapped out of it, thank goodness. been having fun again 🙂
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You accomplished #1 and 2 already, hurray!
I know what you mean about moms… one year when my older sister and I visited the Philippines, and she met us at the port. We disembarked from the ferry and waved at her, happy to be at “home” after an arduous trip from San Francisco (LONG plane ride lots of waiting, another plane, then a ferry boat ride from one island to the next).
She said she spotted us right away and after our hugs and kisses, she said “Oh yes, I saw you right away my daughters and I then thought… God my daughters are ugly”. We all laughed —- because our mother is funny that way —- but then we were like…What??? HEY!!!
Ah….mothers! 🙂
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Moms’ certainly know how to keep you humble…maybe Asian moms even more so? You know they love you, but then they say something that makes you go, “Whuuuu–???” I’m guessing there’s a lot of teasing that goes on in your family?
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