Love on the Pretzel Train

Because I never really dated that much in the past, I was looking forward to finding out what it was going to be like. I joked about wanting to juggle men. I pictured myself being cool, casual, carefree. “Date like a man” my friend Neal told me. But I’ve started to notice that I’m looking for that connection, that recognition of oh, hello…yesI feel what’s possible with you. Does that happen? Is that too much to ask? Maybe all those romantic, meet-cute comedies I used to watch have twisted my brain into an over-salted, unrealistic pretzel.

I’m not looking for the perfect, fantasy man. I know he doesn’t exist. At my high school reunion, one of my former classmates nodded knowingly when I shared that strange men tend to be attracted to me. “I hear ya,” She said. “But it only takes one.” He could be anywhere. Mae, is it true? Could he be with another woman right now? Take your hands off my future man, you hussy!!

I only want to discover the one who is perfect for me and I for them. It’s possible, right? Or am I on the Pretzel Train and every stop is SingleTown?

It’s also possible that I could drop dead tomorrow. Or the next day. I would be dead without ever having found love again. That pisses me off. But if I’m dead, I won’t know how to get upset – I won’t even know I’m dead, so I guess it’s a moot point.

Life doesn’t follow a straight line (like this post), so I have no idea what it has in store for me. Before I don’t know I’m dead, I would like to accomplish the following things this year and the next:

1) find a new job
2) move
3) travel to Italy and/or Spain
4) keep

— my mom just informed me that my face looks really round: “You look round here [cups her cheeks with her palms]. I wonder why…you exercise enough. Maybe I just don’t look at your face that often.”

1) move
2) exercise more
3) find a job that keeps me moving
4) travel
5) continue to date
6) continue being open to possibility
7) keep…keep what?? (I have no clue what I was about to write.) keep on truckin’? keep my head up, my spirits high and hope to love again before I die?

That train stop at my reunion must have done a number on me.  I thought I had chased away the dark clouds that my mom the inner critic brought in a few days ago, but some of them still linger.

Next stop?

Not sure. Think I need to catch that transfer out of CheekFat Town, so I’d better start running.

I’m Leaving You – Part 1

It’s done.

I gave notice at work yesterday. After nine years of my life there, I’ll be cleaning my desk and moving in a few weeks. Compared to my break up with my boyfriend last year, this was a breeze.

Of course, I’m pretty sure I’m in denial. I’ll be leaving a place where I very much felt I belonged: great co-workers and friends, volunteers always feeding and fussing over me. Not to mention the satisfaction of knowing the ins and outs of my job. At some point, the loss of all those things will probably hit me like a ton of bricks.

So why leave?

I don’t mean to get all granola-y, but my inner compass tells me to go. It’s been pointing north for a while now. Add to that my single status and the fact that I’ve gotten burnt out from people leaving our department and not being replaced…well, it just seems to make sense to me. I’ve made mistakes before by staying too long because I was too comfortable or scared to leave.

So, I’m ready to take a leap of faith in myself. And it’s a huge leap because I don’t have a very good plan for my next step. In fact, I don’t really have a plan.

I never claimed to be smart. I’m just following my heart this time, not my head. We’ll see where it takes me!

Thoughts on Turkey Day

Los Angeles vs.:

That’s my finger in the left hand corner, not a demon presence. Thanks for worrying about me.

There’s really no contest.  At least, not for me.

Blue (thankfully) sunny skies, the smell of an unpolluted ocean, and clean, fresh air.  I stopped during my run this morning to take the photo above.  I’ll be moving here in about four weeks, and the visual landscape – a deer was trotting down the road as I made my way downtown – reminded me that I made the right decision.

However, my social circle will be shrinking down to almost nothing, so I’ll have to make some kind of attempt at meeting people so that I don’t become a social misfit.  Well, okay…so that I don’t increase my misfitness.  Or, I could go back to grunting as a means of communication.  Maybe I’ll meet a nice caveboy and live an uncomplicated life with him, not with words, but with a lot of colorful gestures.

My plan is for this move to be my in-between place, to take stock and plan my next step.  Think good thoughts for my sanity, as I will be *gulp* temporarily moving back in with my parents.

But, one thing at a time.

I still have to break up with work next week, which, once done, will make my leaving that much more real.