July | 2014 | jane in training

…Am…

…who am I?

I just started a blog workshop run by Susannah Conway called “Blogging from the Heart“. It’s caused me to think about my own voice. When I hear it, it sounds nasally, low, calm (though I’ve been told it can sound like I’m depressed) and bright and full of bubbles (overcompensating for those that think I’m depressed)!! My perception of my own voice – vocally and writtenly – is that who I really am? I feel like it’s one of those cases where I am too close to myself, therefore it’s difficult to see myself. No matter how I try, I can’t look down and see my own chin. But I know it’s there.

The blogs I like to revisit are the ones that are homey, welcoming, friendly, honest, and heartfelt. I want to write this way. But I continually want to make jokes. With a side dish of old-man humor. I find it very difficult to stop this way of writing. George Burns keeps knocking down my door.

In no discernible order, I tend to write with a/an:

unconfident voice – hi. no, not hi. i’m not here.
uncertain voice – where am i? who am i? where am i going? do i have to make a choice?
loving life voice – helloooo!!! look at your beautiful/handsome self! isn’t it all wonderful?
sure voice – i can do this. you can do this. we’re going to get there. we’re here, right now.
old-man humor/Fozzie Bear voice – waka waka, nudge, wink, didya hear the one about the…
philosophical voice – be. trust. faith. heart. it is what it is, so make room for it.

That’s a sampling. I have many voices like everyone else. If you only have one voice, it would surprise me. Again, you would be the kind of person I would like to tag and study. I’m joking (again), but not really. People fascinate me. I like hearing and learning about their process, how they make their choices, what makes them who they are.

I love it. I love people.

Now leave me alone.

Sometimes the grumpy voice likes to get the last word.

Now go out and be who you be and do what you do.

That’s the marriage of my grammar-goes-wild and philosophical voices. They don’t appreciate grumpy voice.

I never know how to end these things.

Perhaps it’s best to be pulled off the stage and –

Comatose.

Coming to, now…

Pushing the reset button.

I suffer from the kind of inner critic that loves to say, “Just who do you think you are? You know, no one really cares what you have to say about yourself.”

It’s terrible, the kinds of things we say to ourselves. If a friend of mine was feeling this way, I’d divert their critic’s attention: “Hey, look! It’s Simon Cowell! He’s looking at you…he so totally wants you!”

“How you doin’?”

And while the two were becoming enraptured with one another, I’d take my friend by the hand and go running down the street, laughing as we go.

However, when it’s your own inner bully…damn, they’re smart…they know all the right buttons to push. It’s annoying. Seriously? Again? I thought you lost my address, you SOB! As with any aspect of yourself, you can’t get rid of it. Everything, all of it, makes you, you. Reject any part of you, and inner havoc ensues. Outer havoc, too, depending on how you manifest that rejection.

We all feel pain, loss, anger, fear, love. It’s the human experience. And at the same time, each and every one of us is unique. There is no one else IN THE WORLD that has had the same exact experiences that you’ve had with your same psychological and emotional perspective. Nature and nurture, combined. I think that is pretty awesome.

(However, if you’ve met your mirror self, will you contact me? I have a lot of questions for you. And a dart gun. I absolutely need to study you. You think I’m kidding? Only about the dart gun. Well, it’s not really a gun because I don’t like guns. I’m old school. It’s actually one of those bamboo dart-thingeys. And you don’t go fully under. You’re just stunned enough to honestly answer all of my curious inquiries. I stun myself all of the time, so I know what I’m doing.)

If I could, I would love to take our singular awesomenesses and walk/skip/run/march/amble/dance down the street with you. Maybe stop and grab a coffee/beer/green tea/boba/glass of wine with you. Hang out. Chill. Talk about whatever we want to talk about. Because I can’t do this in person – don’t you dare suggest Skype-ing – what I can do is write. I have a voice. What you do with it is up to you. Listen, not listen, nod or scratch your head… Your opinion belongs to you. There’s room for all of it.

Besides, I can only control so much. Unless you allow yourself to be darted. Ah, in a perfect world…