love, naturally

attraction in action

Couples fascinate me. If it weren’t for the possibility of life behind bars, I would make it my mission to capture, tag, and study them as they moved about in the wild.

How did you meet? Was there an immediate attraction? How did you ask him/her out? Wait!! Where are you going? Tell me your special tale of love!!! Remember, you’re tagged – I will always find you!!!

When it comes to love, I don’t think logic and science have anything to do with it. Have you noticed the variety of couples out there?? What you see in each other simultaneously baffles and delights me. If you have luck, timing, and mutual juju, the two of you are off and running into the sunset. Or the car wash. Maybe a Star Trek the Next Generation convention. Listen, I don’t presume to know what you like to do. It’s all good. It’s about togetherness, right?

valentine's sunset

I haven’t come across mutual juju in a long time. I’m not sure why. I’m relatively normal (don’t read my About page) and…well, that’s all I got. Oh, I’m not high drama (don’t read my other posts) and I get easily lost, which means I won’t crowd you. Because I’m lost. And I have no idea when I’ll return, so stop asking. Geez!! Get off my back!! Leave me alone!!!!

See? Plenty of space.

Anyways, my history of attraction has always been off-kilter:

I’m attracted to them > They don’t know I exist
I want to run away < They are attracted to me
I’m attracted (but he’s wrong for me) <> They’re attracted (but I’m wrong for him)

My future is a mystery. I don’t know if there will be several people over time or just one. I don’t know if I will ever meet them. Perhaps they exist but our paths may never cross. However, if our paths do cross, I’m sure I’ll recognize them. Until then (or never), I will go my merry way.

hearts

And while I was on my aforementioned merry way, I happened to speak to someone whom I failed miserably at recognizing. Not only did he feel familiar, he was kind, funny and warm. No warning bells went off like they usually do. We connected in a very easy way, had a lovely conversation, and then we went our separate ways.

It wasn’t until later that I thought: Oh…that’s the type of guy I should date! If he had asked me out, I would have said yes without hesitation. Not that he would have (see history of attraction above). I honestly don’t know much about anything anymore.

I had preconceived notions about attraction: !sparks! *fluttering* Mr. Darcy walking across a dewy field of grass at sunrise with the intention of proclaiming his love for me. While I was keeping my eye out for all of that, I didn’t see what was in front of me.

That's either Mr. Darcy or someone coming to kill me. Well, let's let him come a little closer before jumping to any totally logical conclusions.

That’s either Mr. Darcy or someone coming to kill me. Well, let’s let him come a little closer before jumping to any totally logical conclusions.

That guy gave me a gift. He showed me that connection can float in with an easy grace that is so organic, you don’t know anything is happening. It’s synergy in motion: click click with that person, click click click click with another person. If you’re lucky, your inner self aligns with another’s inner self with more clicks that you’ve ever experienced before. You get them and they get you. It’s real and heartfelt as opposed to thrilling, yet fleeting. Thrilling and fleeting are overrated. I’d rather have the fullness of the real thing.

So I’m on my merry way again: schooled once more, with Darcy on the shelf, and my heart click clacking as I go. With it being Valentine’s Day, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

the past is present

 

rising moon

 

“…the nature of perfection is always mutating. What constitutes
enlightenment today will always be different tomorrow.
Even if you’re
 fortunate and wise enough to score a sliver
of “enlightenment,” it’s not a static treasure that becomes
your 
indestructible, everlasting possession. Rather, it remains
a mercurial
knack that must be continually re-earned.”

~ Rob Brezsny, Free Will Astrology

The other day I wrote about all of the different voices that arise when blogging. I forgot to add a voice. My mutant voice. The ever-changing one.

As I had mentioned before, the blogs I like to read are homey and friendly, where the writers are brave enough to share their honest emotions. They write about what they love through cooking, their creativity, their family life. And it comes from their heart. You can feel it. That’s when it hit me: I have the hardest time doing this.

About ten years ago I started to post random thoughts on the blogging site Xanga. In those days, I wore my humor like an overcoat. On top of three other layers of coats. When I took one off, I immediately felt a chilling breeze and I would quickly slip on the heavy layer again.

My main voice was sarcastic, snarky, and glib – towards others and myself. Sort of a more aggressive, on-steroids version of my current writing. I’d get comments here and there after I wrote these types of posts. Occasionally, my heart would write what it wanted to write*, but people didn’t respond to those posts. My learned Pavlovian response?: stop doing what you’re doing. people don’t like it. do something to gain favor. must perform.

My humor, such as it is, is my best weapon against invaders. But I’ve also employed it to connect to some of the most curmudgeonly people and the shyest of shys. It diffuses situations. It helps me shrug off the things I really don’t need to worry about. And, I have to say, I do like making people laugh. Still, I don’t want to hide in it.

Gah. It’s a bit painful to read some of my old stuff. Granted, I think some of it is hilarious (I do say so myself), but I led with my humor so much, you couldn’t see me. But that was the point. I didn’t want to be seen, at least, not my real self.

Witnessing a past You certainly can inform the present You.

What I want to do, what I really want to do, is start from the heart and go from there. (With a few non-sequiters thrown in for good measure. I can hardly stop this as I can my sense of what is funny.) I tried way back when with one of my old Xanga posts that I’ve added below. Ironically, I was reflecting on a past Me, much like I am now. Reading it made me feel a bit sad for both of the girls who didn’t feel safe continuing down that road. It’s not too late though, you know? Never too late to wander down a new path or even revisit an old, overgrown one. The kind of path that takes you back yet propels you forward at the same time. Because, deep down, you know you have to cut through that overgrown tangle of weeds to see yourself more clearly.

So, I take my own shyest of shys and share my younger self, sharing my even younger self. Taking a coat off…

[the post below is unedited. it’s awfully difficult to post it without wanting to tweak it over and over again like i usually do. there. another coat off.]

As I was cleaning/clearing my desk at home, I found a journal I had written in four years ago and starting reading a few of the entries.  I was struck by one of the comments I made:  “So I’m sitting in the back of the car, looking at the Big Dipper…and just feeling like giving myself over to it…I saw myself swimming in the ladle…These are things one can only do in silence, in the quiet space of one’s own thoughts.”  This may not seem like much, but I think I used to give in to my imagination more, I remembered my dreams more, I took a moment in the moment.  Don’t you think we spend enough time during our day making sense of things, getting things done, and using the left side of our brain?

We weren’t living in L.A. at the time I wrote that entry – we were living in a place where we could drive a few miles and be in the country, where I could stare out the window and see truly blue skies and green rolling hills, where you could gaze up and see a million stars at night.  There were creeks and cows and trees and vineyards.  When there is beauty and peace around me, it reminds me that there is more to life than just navigating it – I actually FEEL life.  I had a glimpse of it this morning while on my walk.  It was a beautiful morning in L.A. – rare blue skies and puffy white clouds – but I was bombarded by those things I mentioned in my previous post.  If Mother Nature was attempting to give me a peace offering this morning, L.A. just took it away by its very nature. (9/26/05)

Our voices are ever-changing. That’s the beauty of writing. It moves with us wherever we go.

*this reminds me of Woody Allen saying “the heart wants what the heart wants” to explain his affair with his now-wife. I am happy, very happy to find out that it was Emily Dickinson who first said in writing, “The heart wants what it wants…

The Deep Down

I am on the Brink.

The Edge of the proverbial cliff (of change, not despair).

At the end of every year, I feel a strong urge for revitalization. To shed old layers of skin and emerge with new intentions for the coming year and beyond.

I have had plenty of time to (over) think in 2013; I took chances and treated them as baby steps. It’s time to walk now. To run. To leap. I owe it to my self. You owe it to your self. I mean, I’ll do it solo, but I’m hoping to have company somewhere along the way. Whenever you’re ready. No pressure.

Some of my intentions are to be more aware of and quickly put a halt to self-judgment (work I’m continuing from 2013) and expectations, and trust and accept myself enough to just be. I’m going to strive to look at every situation as an opportunity to experience without expecting any guarantees of success or answers.

Is it possible? To throw everything you have into something or someone but be smart and aware at the same time? To have faith and also trust your instincts to know when and if you need to shift, adapt, stay or move on? Deep down, we usually know something is wrong for us. It’s our ego that holds on tightly; our stubborn, fearful, overprotective ego. It thinks it knows best, but it really doesn’t. It’s our deep down we need to listen to and strive from the center of that place. But I be crazy sometimes. I get carried away. I don’t always listen to my deep down – lalalalalaaI don’t care what you say, I want PYP! Well, I got what I wanted – sometimes at the expense of my self – and learned from the experience. Good things came from it, I carry them with me, and I carry on.

I’m looking to make some big-ish changes in the next few months. For now, I need my rest. I’m run/walking my first 10k at 9am. I guess I really am literally walking and running into the new year. No leaping though. Well, maybe I’ll throw in a leap or two in the name of triumphant symbolism.

Here’s to an incredible 2014. I hope it is filled with discovery, opportunity, purpose, good health, laughter, and love.