Single Gal with Smallpox Seeks Non-Judgmental Single Guy

May 23, 2013 / jane in training / 8 Comments

Did you miss me?

I knew it. You didn’t even know I was missing, did you. That is just the reaction my cat would give me when I’d come back from a trip: “You were gone?” And then she’d go back to licking herself.

So where was I?

Just another day at the office

The beautiful island of Oahu. I had a great time visiting friends and eating multiple meals and desserts all throughout the day, every day. Before I left for the trip, I was feeling vain and didn’t want to wear shorts, but being in Hawaii made me realize that a lot of the native and local women are comfortable with their bodies. They just owned what they had. It’s simply too uncomfortable to wear pants all of the time. I mean, I brought a pair of jeans. What was I thinking!? And look ovah dere, yah? My legs look like the others’! Sure, there were skinny-legged women there, but I also saw my gene pool represented in the short, strong (well, I’m working towards strong) category. So I put my shorts on and went native. Well, until a few days later when I broke out in a hideous heat rash all over my feet, legs and arms. I eventually covered myself up – I didn’t want to scare people into thinking I had a nasty case of smallpox.

So there I was in Paradise, minding my own heat rash, when I get a text. From Wine Guy. If you recall – which I barely do – I last left him a voicemail and got no response. But WG moves sllllloooowwww…two and a half weeks later slow: Hi, are you interested in going out to a movie or coffee? Unless I’m missing something, is this a taste of what dating is like? You get to know a person by not contacting them or responding to them every few weeks or so? Call me a sucker, because you will, but I texted him back, told him I was traveling at the moment and asked if he wanted to get together at the end of the month. Again, no response. Well, it’s only been ten days, so I expect to hear from him in another week or two or three.

My behavior is indicative of someone who doesn’t have very many choices. That’s why, despite my better judgment, I’m thinking about online dating. A few weeks ago, when I was doing my research, I noticed that I could actually look at guys’ profiles. I like knowing things, so I thought it was super handy to find out if a guy smoked or wanted kids or was crazy athletic. And because I’m a non-smoking, non-childbearing, half-activewoman/half-slug, information like this is really important. I didn’t anticipate that the filtering process could be so helpful. The idea still scares me, but I’m getting closer to trying it out for a few months.

Don’t attempt to figure out who I am. I won’t give out anymore clues. You already know too much about me – after all, you’ve seen my right hand and both feet, and I’ve admitted to my Asian heritage and short, stout-leg nature. You won’t catch me using these profile names: sugahmama10, dontkrossmi, and ladeeyakuza. I checked – they’re already taken. All the good ones are.

Love Me, Love My Burritos

May 7, 2013July 12, 2013 / jane in training / Leave a comment

I’ve been writing a lot about dating (and the idea of dating) lately. But now that I don’t have much material to work with, I realized that I haven’t written much about being physically active. When I checked to see how long it had been, I was horrified to revisit a post in which I described my body like a meat buffet. I made it sound like my body was becoming toned and fabulous. No. Well, maybe it has gotten a little more toned, but I didn’t say I looked good. I don’t like the shape of my legs, and my cellulite is most definitely not impressed by my exercise habits. A friend said, “You won’t wear shorts because of cellulite?? Who cares? You don’t have to look at it!” Yes, but what about the poor people behind me?

Isn’t it ironic that most of us can be so supportive of our friends, but not so much for ourselves?

Self-acceptance doesn’t happen overnight nor does it happen just because you say you will. It’s a conscious practice of bravery, forgiveness, and patience. So I’m going to try and show a little more love to the parts of me that I’ve labeled as less lovable, for example, my ~~burritos~~ thighs and my genetically-evolved calves. Such sturdy things. It’s important that I not take them for granted.

As usual, the Universe has chimed in, too. I recently attended a memorial service in which the minister talked about the value of accepting yourself as you are. Sono mama, he said. Which, in Japanese, translates to mean “as it is”. And I just read my horoscope from Rob Brezsny – I swear, I can relate to 90% of what that man has to say about my sign – and I’ve been asked to reject all forms of demoralizing words and attitudes, and try positivity. It’s uncanny. I get the hint, Universe, I get the hint.

The Properties of Alchemy (and Meat)

February 19, 2013 / jane in training / 8 Comments

**Disclaimer: This is not a serious overview of alchemy, or meat for that matter. If you’re a serious sort, I urge you to find other, more weighty info on Wikipedia (which will kindly lead you to scholarly sources) or look up Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. You won’t find anything intellectual here. Okay, I feel better now.

From what I understand, alchemy is the mystical process of turning common metals into gold. There are a whole bunch of philosophical, scientific and psychological ideas regarding this process, but for me, it’s like this:

Running and the other types of exercise I’ve been doing are causing some sort of alchemical process to take place in my body. My calves, which I had hoped beyond all reason would get smaller, are changing into chicken drumsticks. My badonkadonk is like shawarma, originally stacked, but now portions are being shaved off. And my thighs? They are meat-filled burritos, flexing their power, when before, they were flabby and quietly respectful. They kind of have an attitude now.

[I’m sorry if I ruined anyone’s appetite. And, uh, I hope there aren’t any cannibals reading this. Just to be clear, I’m speaking figuratively. Please don’t picture me in your head right now.]

I always knew that I had to make friends with my body as part of the whole process of accepting myself. I used to take the easy route, wearing baggy overalls that covered – well, covered everything in an extremely generous way. But one day I saw a photo of myself in said overalls, and I cringed. I was shapeless. I might as well have worn a cape three sizes too big. The poodle perm didn’t help, either.

Now? No more perm. No more hiding in my clothes. Now I just need mental alchemy to help me see gold in the common form that is me.

Where do you need alchemy?

This Booty Was Made For Walkin’

December 1, 2012July 7, 2013 / jane in training / 2 Comments

I don’t have a runner’s body. Not that I have to in order to run. But it was never more evident than when I went to go pick up my bib and race packet for tomorrow’s 5K. The other participants who were picking up their race bibs seemed to be built like greyhounds. Sleek and lean and all arms and legs. It looked like the fat had been carved off of them. I wanted to offer them some of mine. I’m generous that way.

Olympic swimmer and medalist Nathan Adrian said in an article that his body was not made for running. It made me think – what is my body made for? Are somersaults a sport? Because I’m good at the stop, drop and roll thing. I’m built low to the ground and I can scrunch up like a roly poly/pill bug and just roll around and around with the best of them.

Maybe gymnastics. But I’m way too old now, not to mention earthbound. I don’t like my body leaving the ground unless I’m on a flight to Europe.

Am I prepared for the 5K tomorrow? Not exactly. I still can’t run longer than two miles without stopping – and that’s on a flat course. Yesterday, one of my friends sent me an article about how running might be harmful to your heart. Thanks! Just what I needed to motivate myself! I’m sure she means well, but I’m not going to respond. I want to stay positive, not think about my heart giving out on me.

However, if I don’t write about the 5K in the next few days…it means that I’m still on a runner’s high and can’t sit down long enough to post to my blog. See? Thinking positively! Watch out greyhounds – this roly poly will be right on your tails!