The Profiler

My friend – I’ll call her Patricia – recently purchased a trial period for Match.com. If you’re reading this P, please don’t get mad. I don’t think this will out you in any way. I’m very discreet. Haha, no I’m not. Anyways, I thought I would try and come up with a profile she could use because she said writing one for herself would be difficult. I know why: she’s too humble about herself. Maybe I’m not discreet, but I still want to keep her as a friend, so I won’t post Patricia’s Pulitzer prize-winning profile. Did you know she sells seashells down by the seashore? Many people don’t know that about her.

I’m incredibly frightened of online dating. Despite the fact that I blog about my personal life, I still like my privacy. I’ve never posted a photo of myself and most likely never will unless it’s of my right shoulder or my hand holding a fork, so the odds of putting my face on a dating site are very low. Especially since I live in a small community. But before closing the door on the whole thing, I wanted to do some research first.

I’m positive that all of this has been criticized before about dating sites, but since it was my first time looking through all the photos and profile names, I’m compelled to put in my two cents: I really don’t think it’s a good idea to use “lonely”, “angry”, “sad”, and “whoseurdaddy” as part of your profile name, unless, of course, those words are like magic to your ears. But then I saw this: sypholus. I hope it doesn’t refer to what it sounds like. I’m concerned. Maybe he should see a doctor?

I saw men in hoodies, sunglasses, baseball caps, far far away, posing shirtless…sometimes in different combinations. You – the one in the black watch cap and shades, could you step a few 100 feet closer to the camera? How can I tell if you have an extra arm growing out of your side? That’s a plus for me, so if you have one, I want to get a good look at it. I only searched for men over 40. I can’t imagine what the younger profiles are like. Well, I’m guessing the same, just more of them, right? There certainly were some good looking guys, and it helped that some of them used handsome as part of their profile name – I never would have known ┬áif they hadn’t thoughtfully alerted me. But good looks don’t equal good character. My ex has a lot of handsome friends, and that focus group taught me not to get sucked in on good looks alone.

And (sort of) speaking of my ex, his mom reeeealllly wants me to broaden my choices through online dating. She even said she’d take my profile picture. Maybe I can use this one?

Pie

Profile: I like pie. I’m right-handed.

Is it my hand that’s tiny? Or is it a huge piece of pie? Did I eat the whole thing?

Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

**I just heard that Martha Stewart signed up for Match.com. Well, there you go. All my prospective three-armed men will now be flocking to her. Dammit, Martha! Must you be the center of attention of the whole online dating world, too??