The Profiler

My friend – I’ll call her Patricia – recently purchased a trial period for If you’re reading this P, please don’t get mad. I don’t think this will out you in any way. I’m very discreet. Haha, no I’m not. Anyways, I thought I would try and come up with a profile she could use because she said writing one for herself would be difficult. I know why: she’s too humble about herself. Maybe I’m not discreet, but I still want to keep her as a friend, so I won’t post Patricia’s Pulitzer prize-winning profile. Did you know she sells seashells down by the seashore? Many people don’t know that about her.

I’m incredibly frightened of online dating. Despite the fact that I blog about my personal life, I still like my privacy. I’ve never posted a photo of myself and most likely never will unless it’s of my right shoulder or my hand holding a fork, so the odds of putting my face on a dating site are very low. Especially since I live in a small community. But before closing the door on the whole thing, I wanted to do some research first.

I’m positive that all of this has been criticized before about dating sites, but since it was my first time looking through all the photos and profile names, I’m compelled to put in my two cents: I really don’t think it’s a good idea to use “lonely”, “angry”, “sad”, and “whoseurdaddy” as part of your profile name, unless, of course, those words are like magic to your ears. But then I saw this: sypholus. I hope it doesn’t refer to what it sounds like. I’m concerned. Maybe he should see a doctor?

I saw men in hoodies, sunglasses, baseball caps, far far away, posing shirtless…sometimes in different combinations. You – the one in the black watch cap and shades, could you step a few 100 feet closer to the camera? How can I tell if you have an extra arm growing out of your side? That’s a plus for me, so if you have one, I want to get a good look at it. I only searched for men over 40. I can’t imagine what the younger profiles are like. Well, I’m guessing the same, just more of them, right? There certainly were some good looking guys, and it helped that some of them used handsome as part of their profile name – I never would have known  if they hadn’t thoughtfully alerted me. But good looks don’t equal good character. My ex has a lot of handsome friends, and that focus group taught me not to get sucked in on good looks alone.

And (sort of) speaking of my ex, his mom reeeealllly wants me to broaden my choices through online dating. She even said she’d take my profile picture. Maybe I can use this one?


Profile: I like pie. I’m right-handed.

Is it my hand that’s tiny? Or is it a huge piece of pie? Did I eat the whole thing?

Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

**I just heard that Martha Stewart signed up for Well, there you go. All my prospective three-armed men will now be flocking to her. Dammit, Martha! Must you be the center of attention of the whole online dating world, too??


6 thoughts on “The Profiler

  1. oh no, i’m in trouble. i was going to use the word “angry” in my user name. now what? i’m kind of rooting for martha stewart though. i mean really, she has everyting but a nice man. it certainly made me wondering if a successful, nice looking woman like her can’t find love, is there hope for us normal’s?


  2. That is sooo sweet of you to include me in the “normal” category with you. Oh, so you don’t have a user name yet? I don’t think men should have “angry” as part of their name – I never said anything about women. Angryladybug?


  3. A thought on the name. I think contrast is good, showing a sense of humor as well. CantankerousLadyBug… EgotisticallyHumblePie 🙂

    I feel if a man is looking long term he is “attracted” to pictures of you doing things. Way too many pictures of a women taking pictures of herself in the mirror…. What is that about?

    But also there are alot of people that post images of them travelling in far off lands, expensive ballgames….. you get the idea…. read high maintenance.. Next…..

    If we do get to reading your profile, too many big words, might scare off the meek. Which might be what you want?

    Think about it from the minimal/lowest common denominator guy you want to “attract”, can he pay/mentally keep-up with what you present…..

    Its not so much that he has to pay for things, but if he’s honest, he will feel an internal pressure about trying to keep up with what you present.

    What I would love to do as a social experiment, is post multiple personalities of you, not that you have multiple personalities 😉 and see what hits. Remember that movie “Must Like Dogs?”… just like that.



  4. Men post those self-in-the-mirror photos, too! I don’t understand it either, but they aren’t the worst compared to some of the other photos. Some of the men uploaded their mug shots, I just know it.

    That’s interesting, I didn’t think that a traveling or activity photo could translate to being high maintenance. It’s tricky, being judged by a few photos and a sampling of words. But I’ve heard success stories, so dating this way obviously works for some people.

    When I finally cruised through, one of my other personalities stepped in and said, “Girl, it ain’t for you! Meet them the old-fashioned way!” And for now, I’m agreeing with her!


    • HumblePie,

      I haven’t really looked at the men photos, LOL. I heard there was a website for male inmates in prison for females on the outside. Seems strange……. so mug shot might be his only shot.

      Being more articulate, if you have pictures of you in the Alps skiing, yeah that might be taken as high maintenance. But say at a local cycling event, not so much. Its all context of the picture….

      I have heard of success stories too, from a guys side of things, seems like the cards are against us on those sites, many men, few women.

      The old-fashioned way is the most fun I think, its serendipitous!


  5. Male inmates…that’s crazy! I’m soooo not interested. Far from it. Really disgusted. What’s the name of the website?

    There are more men than women on the dating sites? That’s interesting. Yes, I’m going to stick to the old-fashioned way and see how I do!


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