Men: The Early Years

Dating.  Karaoke.

Those two words make me cringe.  They have come up recently in my life, and because I can only tackle one frightening thing at a time, I’ll choose the subject of dating.

The topic has been floating around a lot lately between friends and co-workers.  We ask each other:  “How much younger?  Older?  Short?  Tall?  Type?”

“”  shudder.

“Speed dating?”  nothing but crickets.

I have to face the facts.  My dating life has been…less than stellar.  Not only the number of dates, but the dates and relationships themselves.  Let’s see, in the beginning of my career there was:

– My first boyfriend when I was 15 years old.  It was a short-lived romance that started with meeting cute at a local fair over sno-cones.  It began to fizzle because I couldn’t get used to the way he kept throwing his tongue inside my mouth.  Because of my inexperience, I thought, is this what kissing is?  But I lacked the confidence to shout, “If I wanted tongue, I would have ordered tongue!”  I think it was his technique.  Yes, I’m sure he was the problem.

– The tourist visiting his grandmother.  We met while I was driving with a friend in town and he was riding his bicycle.  It’s complicated.  He should have been my first kiss, because – well, never mind.  I don’t know you that well yet, so I won’t go into it.  Anyways, he soon had to return to one of those funny-sounding cities in Washington.  He never responded to the letter I sent him.  That was before email, texting, Facebook.  It was so much easier to ignore people back then.

– Another short-lived romance was with a soldier stationed at the local military base.  “An Officer and a Gentlewoman” you say?  Not quite.  I met him when I took some friends’ kids roller skating.  He had a side job being one of those roller referees?  Monitors?  God JonBonJovi, it all sounds so bizarre when I say it out loud.  Anyways, we didn’t talk much – there was no need.  However, I realized there was a problem when I was writing to him and I didn’t know how he spelled his name.  Oops.

Wow, it’s kind of embarrassing looking back at those “relationships”.  And it doesn’t end there.  I’ve had some blind dates and interest from guys that make me question my ability as a female.  That’s why, when a friend was talking about a recent singles gathering called “Lock and Key”, I had all sorts of haunting images fly at me, from 60 year-old men who lived with their twin brothers to no one approaching me at all.

At work, I had been talking to one of the custodians and I mentioned that only crazy guys were interested in me.  His response:  “How come?  You nice!  You no fat!”

Yes, indeed.  Me no fat…I nice!  How come?


4 thoughts on “Men: The Early Years

  1. …oh, good god, how can that word make you cringe? it’s just singing…

    …any relationships you had at fifteen don’t count; actually, i think anything that happens before the age of 21 should be considered practice runs and should be flensed from adult memory anyway (the exception being really, really good memories, but they have to be truly stellar ones)…

    …”lock and key”????? sounds fifty shades of gray-ish to me…

    …nobody likes to acknowledge this, but successful dating (and, subsequently, successful relationships) contains a certain amount of luck in the statistical sense; you do, in fact, have to kiss a bunch o’ frogs to get a prince (although, in every grouping, there’s always a tiny percentage that get lucky almost immediately; that’s just statistics for ya) …dating services help in the sense that they’ll put you into contact with more people than you would normally become acquainted with in everyday life (and, hopefully, ones that share some interests with you, but lots of people do “overstate” – i.e., lie – about their good points), but even then the ratio of successful pairings is low (relatively speaking; compared to the population as a whole, it is significantly higher)…

    …all this basically to say: to find the right person, you’ll have to kick a few more frogs outta the way first…

    …btw (and you can yell at me later for posting this), you’re smart, charming and pretty, so you have to expect a certain amount of crazies coming your way (especially in the dating game, crazy people tend to avoid mean, nasty ugly people; essentially, they go after the opposite of themselves)…

    …i assume you heard the word “karaoke” from tamara/randy; are you going?…


    • How dare you! How can you even – I am beyond insulted. Insulted x pi x infinity x circular breathing. However, I am not above taking your advice. All romances before 21 years old? Erased. Done. Well, except the bicycle-riding-tourist-from-Washington. He was a good kisser.

      BTW, karaoke is not just singing. It’s my kryptonite. I can’t believe you’re getting me to admit the very thing that could be used to destroy me. Well played, my frenemy…well played.


  2. DATING. Everyday I get closer and closer to being the spinster who sits around the house and has tons of cats… actually in my case tons of dogs.


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