Wax On, Wax Off

Men, you see the title of this post, right? I’m not talking about surfboards or cars or what you are carrying around in your ears. I think you should just move along. There’s nothing of interest for you to read here.

Have you left yet?

Why are you still reading this?

Okay, I guess you need a proper scaring off: tampons, ally mcbeal, reverse vasectomies, i love you, menopause, RuPaul (unless you adore him…then you can stay), pms, do i look fat in these pants?, prison on valentine’s day.

Are they gone now?

Wow, some of those things are really frightening. I almost left this post myself.

This is really not that bad. I just felt a little uncomfortable with the idea of men reading about my thoughts on getting waxed. I’ve never done it before. No, not there! I meant my armpits. I suppose I could have just mentioned this in the beginning and the men would have left based on the topic alone, but you know me (or maybe you don’t want to), I’m a little twisted that way.

I’ve been through more painful things, I’m sure. As least, I think I have. But the thought of it makes me cringe. On the other hand, being 5 o’clock shadow-free is an appealing notion.

See, I’m going to be in New Orleans in a few weeks, and I hear it’s incredibly hot and humid in August. In fact, I just checked. The high is 90, the “low” is 79. Anyways, I would like to have hair-free pits so that I can frantically wave down taxis, pound shots of Tequila, hang on monkey bars, wave up to men on their 9th story balconies, and sit back like a lady with my hands folded behind my head. All things I’ve been wanting to do for a long time while wearing a tank top.

I was encouraged to grow the hair out for at least five days. Doing so gives the wax something to hang on to as it rips the hair out of each hair socket.

I feel a little queasy.

I was warned that the first time would hurt a little because the hairs aren’t used to being treated this way. So now my armpit hairs have feelings? What about mine??

Apparently, the next time I have it done, the hairs won’t put up as much of a fight. They start to get conditioned to the harsh treatment and recognize what’s about to happen: “Oh, right…I’m being evicted. No need for violence. I’ll go more willingly this time.” Feelings and logical thinking? I haven’t been giving those hairs enough credit.

And then I was informed that the longer the hair, the less it will hurt.

Ten days of hair, it is.

I’m getting queasy again.

 

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4 thoughts on “Wax On, Wax Off

  1. i’ve seen the results of laser hair removal and it’s like you never went through puberty (still talking about armpits here…). it looked so soft and clean. like buttah. i was so impressed! you have to go through several treatments of it, though, depending on how much hair you have. maybe groupon has a deal? the good thing about it is it’s permanent. with waxing, it’s a monthly thing. or you could just pluck them? just don’t do the waxing yourself. i’ve learned from my mistakes.

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    • Small Town, USA doesn’t have laser removal joints except in the rich town next door. I should have tried it when I was in L.A. Everyone wants to be hairless there – I could have had my choice of places to go.

      Word that rhymes with pluck…ouch. Never tried it. Maybe I’ll do the waxing first. My pores will be so shocked, they might welcome the plucking. Or maybe I’ll learn to accept my ten days growth of hair. I wonder how long pit hair gets?

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  2. maybe you can glue a toupee so the hair is longer and it wont hurt so much. that’s my advice but dont ask me, i dont know what i’m talking about half the time.

    p.s. i’m not sure i spelled toupee correctly?

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