time

the road to point sur lightstation

I drove out to the Point Sur Lightstation last night to join one of the moonlight tours they offer every month. At first, my dramatic self didn’t want to go: Would being alone make the moon less beautiful? Would I feel even more alone going alone?

Get a grip, Sarah Bernhardt.

The wind up at the lightstation was fierce. I had visions of being tackled and catapulted across the ocean by this mack daddy of winds. I scanned the tour group to assess who would allow me to grab onto them without judging me. I now have a deep appreciation for sturdy frames.

As per usual, I was the only one who was there by themselves.

I’ve viewed a lot of sunrises, sunsets and moons as a singular person. In a way, I’m not really alone. It’s me and the sun. It’s me and the moon. Even when I’m with other people, it’s still just the two of us, sharing an understanding…sharing a secret together.

sunset

Last night I watched time pass as the sun set amidst a bank of clouds and the moon rose above the mountains.

moon

When I woke up in the morning, my hair was like the Salvador Dali of bird nests, tangled by sleep and that maniacal wind. And then during this very ordinary moment, time stood still. I found out my loved friend passed away from ovarian cancer some time this morning.

 …

“I don’t know, Jane…” She had said the last time I saw her. “The doctors say I have six months and I’m trying to be strong, but I don’t know…”

As I walked away from her, I suddenly turned back around, gave her a final hug and told her I loved her. We stood there together and cried in silence.

That was five and half weeks ago. And now she’s gone. My brain can’t compute it. But my heart, which I am learning to take more seriously, holds her close and revels for having known such a remarkable person.

I’m never alone. I never was.

Peace for Nancy. I hope she is seeing all of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets ever imaginable.

light

“I just try to live every day as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day. To enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary ordinary life…We’re all traveling through time together, every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride.”
~ “About Time”

The symptoms of ovarian cancer are often mistaken for other illnesses – for more information, please check out the American Cancer Society website to learn more about this disease.

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11 thoughts on “time

  1. Beautifully written; I am sorry for your loss. Recently I’ve begun to know a young girl with cancer, and she is the most amazing and inspiring person. She has changed the way I look at life and obstacles and hardship. She is taking control of the things beyond her control: she is doing the things she’s always dreamed of doing, she’s relishing every moment she is given and if attitude could cure then she would be healed in no time. Some people are so strong. She’s showed me we don’t have to take what life throws at us laying down; we can fight, and we can choose to be happy despite everything.

    Even though we don’t know each-other well she told me loves me and I told her I love her too; it’s amazing how easy such hard words come when you’re not sure how much time you have left to say them. I’m glad you two had the chance to share a hug and those words; we often don’t realize how blessed we are just to breathe and live everyday. We think we have all the time in the world to say things that should be said.

    You’re right, you are never alone! I’ve learned the hard way that it is much lonelier to be with people who make you feel alone. I think in life we slowly learn to appreciate our own company, and to hold out for others who enrich our lives. Now, you will always have the sun, the moon and an angel with you.

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    • To live with courage and appreciation for life is what makes your friend and my friend so incredibly inspiring! I think when you meet people with such open hearts, it makes it that much easier to share the love.

      I sooo know the feeling of being lonely with someone. I often like to think that my ‘one’ is out there in some far flung place but that our paths may never cross. And that’s okay (sort of). Sometimes it’s all in luck and timing. Besides, I have myself to rely on. Glad to know you and your man are going strong!

      Thank you for the lovely and thoughtful comment!

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      • I completely agree, we are blessed to have met two wonderful, open-hearted and inspiring human beings :).

        That feeling of being lonely with someone really hit home today; I stumbled across a post of my exes on an internet site saying in short, how proud he is that he can manipulate people and make you think you are wrong even when you are right because he is so smart and superior. I’m amazed I ever could have loved someone who was so cruel; who lives only to make people suffer. But it does make me appreciate my loved one so much. He has taught me to value myself, he respects me, he is kind, he makes me happy. I feel like I’ve come so far and slowly the pieces of my heart have been put back into place :).

        When I was feeling really lonely however, after my ex and I broke up, someone gave me some advice that really helped. She told me he (the one) is out there and that I could pray for his safety and for God to bring him to me when we were ready. I didn’t know if it would work or not but I have to say it made me feel more hopeful and less lonely. Each night I prayed for Josh (even though I hadn’t met him yet!). And even though I’m not a religious person I honestly feel like my prayers were answered. I thank God every night for bringing him into my life. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner.

        You can always rely on yourself, and as you know your own company is sometimes best! But I’ll say a little prayer that your one crosses your path soon. I believe he’s out there. My wish is that everyone can have the love that I’ve found. Don’t give up hope; you never know wonderful adventures are around the corner.

        Thank you for the thoughtful response 🙂 xx

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