I’m thinking about creating a Yelp account for my 91 year-old dad.

oldyelper prepares to review the persimmon trees. Those poor persimmons don’t stand a chance.

His reviews will be concise, yet murky:

“Not bad.”
 Translation: meh.
“The meat is soft.” What he’s trying to say: Tender! And I don’t have to chew that much.
“I don’t know.” His answer to the questions: “What does it taste like?” and “What’s in it?”

He often uses the word whatchgall when he can’t think of the name of something. Here it is used in a sentence: “What’s the name of the restaurant where we had the whatchgall?”

It’s great fun, almost like playing a game, trying to guess the answer:

me: “Seafood Palace?”
oldyelper: “No!” (looks at me like I’m crazy)
me: “Great Grannie’s Goulash Garden?”
oldyelper: “That’s not it!” (more crazy looks in my direction)

Readers can look forward to going to that unnamed restaurant and asking the wait staff for the whatchgall that oldyelper ordered the other night.

Ermmm…I’m beginning to have second thoughts about this. I am thinking about the content of his potential reviews. I love food so much that a real-life comment like this pains me: “I won’t be eating those tacos again. I like it when it has a little cheese, lettuce and tomato – like at Taco Bell.”

This broke my heart a little because my dad was talking about a hard shell taco with “American” cheese, iceberg lettuce and flavorless tomatoes. You can’t teach an elderly dad many new tricks. Believe me, I’ve tried when it comes to Mexican food. I wanted to convert him to the deliciousness of carnitas and *lengua and mole, and different styles based on different regions. Expand his palate. I thought at the very least that I could get him to use the word salsa instead of “sauce” and “dip”.

We must have tried at least a dozen different Mexican restaurants (including bastardized versions), but oldyelper was never impressed. One night I decided to make the tacos my mom used to make when my brother and I were younger; the only kind of tacos to which my dad could relate: store bought hard shells, McCormick taco seasoning, ground beef, shredded Romaine (don’t tell him it wasn’t Iceberg) and homegrown tomatoes.

this is old school seasoning, yo.

As I was sprinkling the seasoning on the meat, my mainly Japanese-speaking mom said, “Smells taco.” Yup. Smells taco. Just like she remembered.

That night, oldyelper gave me this review: “Good!” And then he helped himself to another taco.

It eased some of the pain. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a good review.

*I gave my dad a lengua burrito once and told him it was beef. It wasn’t a complete lie. What?? Like you’ve never lied to someone about something that’s for their own good??