“Dear Mr. Golden Heart…”

Im nice person dear, golden heart and generous. Im confident can be good friends. It would be honor. Please can you respond me if interested? All the best

Uh oh.

I’m not sure if he’s calling me dear or himself. No matter, because I don’t have the confidence that he has in our future friendship. By the way, that’s the second email he’s written to me. The first one was also grammar-challenged and equally troubling. I had taken a friend’s advice with his first email:  “If you’re not interested at all, don’t write back. Even a friendly rejection could give him some hope.” But maybe saying nothing still leaves the door open?

I’ve learned something from my date with The Chef. I think my nervous energy took over and I tried too hard. I really just need to calm the hell down. Perhaps I will meditate before my next date, assuming there will be another one. With someone. Anyone. During my post-date analysis, I thought about the fact that even if I had been the perfect amount of me, it still doesn’t mean The Chef would have been attracted to me.

Dating sure can play with your self-confidence. No wonder those Bachelorettes weep, go mad, turn on each other. They’re like lab rats in a Hollywood maze designed to make their insecurities bubble and rise to the surface. I’m surprised they don’t eat each others’ faces off. In my own very quiet reality, I tell myself that I have to learn from whatever I experience and keep moving. Besides, The Chef isn’t the only Bachelor out there to show interest in me. There is a guy in Chicago who has contacted me. That’s not too far from CA, right? I’m perfect for him because I fit into the age range of women he’s searching:  21-63 years old.

My love affair with Match isn’t looking so good.

Match #1: The Chef

I’m in love!!!  

Not really.  I haven’t been on the date yet.  This is the pre-date portion of the program (I’ll be adding my post-date thoughts below).  I wanted to know what it felt like to be one of those women – I’m convinced they’re a different species – on “The Bachelor”.  You know, already in love with the idea of falling in love and then getting their heart broken by a guy they hardly know.  I loved him and I thought he kinda liked me!weep, weep, feelings of despair…  Girl, get it together.  He’s dumber than a rock.  Join me on Match.com – we’ll find a guy for you that’s as smart as or even smarter than a rock!

You know, maybe I should get a job counseling these women.  Or work as a Marketing Strategist for Match.  I’ve found my new careers.

This is my first date through Match.  I’m trying to be optimistic by starting a numbering system, but that didn’t seem to work too well with Wine Guy.  One date, the possibility of another, and then he fell into the Bermuda Triangle of Missing/Non-Responsive Men.

My profile had been public for a few days when I was IM’ed by The Chef.  I was on the site, trying to figure out how to edit something in my profile:  how do you…but I just changed it…let me try!!PING!! [IM window popping up]ack!!  what the hell?!  I nearly jumped out of my skin.  When I peered at the small message box, I recognized the photo that came along with it.  He had viewed my profile earlier.  I thought he was kind of cute and more importantly, he appeared to be normal.  With shaking hands (I know, pathetic), I decided to respond.  And what do you know…our senses of humor were kind of the same.  Sarcastic?  Check.  Self-deprecating?  Check.  Age?  Oops.  He’s 41 years old.  I’m…older.  But that’s the good thing about Match.  He knew my age, height and hm, what else could have scared him off – oh, yes, the profile itself.  He read it and still contacted me.  He’s a brave man.  I have no idea what other women are writing, but I started my profile with sarcasm.  Isn’t that the way to a man’s heart?

Post-date Analysis  

Great date.  Fun, relaxed (well, he was), easy.  A guy’s guy, not a dude.  There’s a difference.  My ex was overly sensitive and emotional, so it was nice to be with someone who seemed at ease with himself and his guyness.  Not only is he a chef, he’s an Executive Chef, which I have to admit is kinda sexy.  Not the title itself, but the fact that he is in charge and has to know how to manage people.  Our sensibilities and senses of humor matched, and I thought he was cute, so I would definitely go out with him again.  The mystery question is whether he was attracted to me or not.  I have absolutely no idea, which is probably not a good sign.  I can’t think of anything positive said in my direction except he said I was tiny, he liked my boots, and that I eat slowly, which is the healthy way.  Like I said, nothing to go on.  I made him laugh, but so could a Chihuahua with an underbite, so that doesn’t say much either.  We hugged at the end of the date – don’t worry, I didn’t overhug him – and he said he would call me.  My first generic “I’ll call you”!!  I’ve officially joined the ranks of the dating masses!

By the way, I guess the sarcasm in my profile is not the way to a man’s heart like I thought.  I was talking about my profile when The Chef said, “Guys just look at the pictures.”  But I put a lot of thought into my profile and – “We’re guys – we just look at the pictures.”  Oh.  So much for that ‘A’ I was going for in creative writing.

I sent him a message today thanking him for the date.  If I don’t hear from him again I’ll have to chalk it up to his non-attraction of my 3-D self.  There’s nothing I can do about that.  I’ll simply have to go on *weep weep despair* and try to find a date that finds me more funny and charming than that damn Chihuahua.

I Am Cougar, Hear Me Roar

I’ve been on Match.com for exactly one week.

It’s early yet, but I’m beginning to think that it might be the perfect vehicle for someone like me.  It’s either that or I’m just fascinated by the whole social psychology aspect.  Maybe both.  I hardly ever get approached out in the every day world, so online dating is proving to be a good way to be seen, yet remain somewhat anonymous.  Shopping for men from the comfort of my home is what I love about the Internet.

Match forces you to look at people.  That’s to my advantage.  I wouldn’t call myself “first glance” pretty.  If you look real hard, I’m decent-looking from certain angles and when the wind is coming in from the SW at 8 mph.  I’m like one of those 3D graphic prints that you have to stare at until the other, secret picture appears.  Most people can’t see it right away; some people never see it.  Which is fine, because my secret picture isn’t for everyone.  On the Match site, I included a photo of myself right before I ran a 5K.  No makeup.  Hey, it’s how I look!  Like it or leave it.  Just stop staring at it – it isn’t going to get any better.  And I tried to convey my personality into my profile, not just a list of things I like and what I’m looking for.  I’ve read some guys’ profiles and they are so generic that I don’t get any sense of who they are.  They love food and walking on the beach?  Me, too!!  I’ve finally found my soulmate!!  All I can say is, if a guy contacts me after looking at my photos and profile, I’m assuming he has a sense of what he’s getting into.

I’ve been contacted by some guys, and a few of them have commented on my appearance.  I suppose it’s flattering, but for some reason I feel like it’s a red flag.  Maybe I’m just not the type to be won over by compliments, especially if I’ve never even met you.  One of my friends told me that she doesn’t respond to any kind of contact unless she’s interested.  Apparently, even a rejection email can open the door to unwanted attention.  I decided that I would only ignore someone if I found them especially creepy, but I could change my mind.  It’s only been a week – I could change my mind about this whole thing tomorrow.

I might go on my first Match date this week.  He’s young, but at least he’s over 40.  I’m a little hesitant because I’m tiptoeing into Cougar territory; he’s several years younger than the age range I had posted, but then the last few guys that have contacted me have been around the same age (including Wine Guy).  I’m open to dating someone older than me, but I don’t think I ever have.  Maybe this is my problem?  Whatever the case –  AAAAAAAA!!!!!!  My eardrums just burst.  Women everywhere screamed at me to shut up and go for it.  Well, there it is.  If there’s one thing I can’t do, that’s let womankind down.  Time to get to work.

Single Gal with Smallpox Seeks Non-Judgmental Single Guy

Did you miss me?

I knew it.  You didn’t even know I was missing, did you.  That is just the reaction my cat would give me when I’d come back from a trip:  “You were gone?”  And then she’d go back to licking herself.

So where was I?

IMG_0841

Just another day at the office

Just another day at the office

The beautiful island of Oahu.  I had a great time visiting friends and eating multiple meals and desserts all throughout the day, every day.  Before I left for the trip, I was feeling vain and didn’t want to wear shorts, but being in Hawaii made me realize that a lot of the native and local women are comfortable with their bodies.  They just owned what they had.  It’s simply too uncomfortable to wear pants all of the time.  I mean, I brought a pair of jeans.  What was I thinking!?  And look ovah dere, yah?  My legs look like the others’!  Sure, there were skinny-legged women there, but I also saw my gene pool represented in the short, strong (well, I’m working towards strong) category.  So I put my shorts on and went native.  Well, until a few days later when I broke out in a hideous heat rash all over my feet, legs and arms.  I eventually covered myself up – I didn’t want to scare people into thinking I had a nasty case of smallpox.

So there I was in Paradise, minding my own heat rash, when I get a text.  From Wine Guy.  If you recall – which I barely do – I last left him a voicemail and got no response.  But WG moves sllllloooowwww…two and a half weeks later slow:  Hi, are you interested in going out to a movie or coffee?  Unless I’m missing something, is this a taste of what dating is like?  You get to know a person by not contacting them or responding to them every few weeks or so?  Call me a sucker, because you will, but I texted him back, told him I was traveling at the moment and asked if he wanted to get together at the end of the month.  Again, no response.  Well, it’s only been ten days, so I expect to hear from him in another week or two or three.

My behavior is indicative of someone who doesn’t have very many choices.  That’s why, despite my better judgment, I’m thinking about online dating.  A few weeks ago, when I was doing my research, I noticed that I could actually look at guys’ profiles.  I like knowing things, so I thought it was super handy to find out if a guy smoked or wanted kids or was crazy athletic.  And because I’m a non-smoking, non-childbearing, half-activewoman/half-slug, information like this is really important.  I didn’t anticipate that the filtering process could be so helpful.  The idea still scares me, but I’m getting closer to trying it out for a few months.

Don’t attempt to figure out who I am.  I won’t give out anymore clues.  You already know too much about me – after all, you’ve seen my right hand and both feet, and I’ve admitted to my Asian heritage and short, stout-leg nature.  You won’t catch me using these profile names:  sugahmama10, dontkrossmi, and ladeeyakuza.  I checked – they’re already taken.  All the good ones are.

The Profiler

My friend – I’ll call her Patricia – recently purchased a trial period for Match.com. If you’re reading this P, please don’t get mad. I don’t think this will out you in any way. I’m very discreet. Haha, no I’m not. Anyways, I thought I would try and come up with a profile she could use because she said writing one for herself would be difficult. I know why: she’s too humble about herself. Maybe I’m not discreet, but I still want to keep her as a friend, so I won’t post Patricia’s Pulitzer prize-winning profile. Did you know she sells seashells down by the seashore? Many people don’t know that about her.

I’m incredibly frightened of online dating. Despite the fact that I blog about my personal life, I still like my privacy. I’ve never posted a photo of myself and most likely never will unless it’s of my right shoulder or my hand holding a fork, so the odds of putting my face on a dating site are very low. Especially since I live in a small community. But before closing the door on the whole thing, I wanted to do some research first.

I’m positive that all of this has been criticized before about dating sites, but since it was my first time looking through all the photos and profile names, I’m compelled to put in my two cents: I really don’t think it’s a good idea to use “lonely”, “angry”, “sad”, and “whoseurdaddy” as part of your profile name, unless, of course, those words are like magic to your ears. But then I saw this: sypholus. I hope it doesn’t refer to what it sounds like. I’m concerned. Maybe he should see a doctor?

I saw men in hoodies, sunglasses, baseball caps, far far away, posing shirtless…sometimes in different combinations. You – the one in the black watch cap and shades, could you step a few 100 feet closer to the camera? How can I tell if you have an extra arm growing out of your side? That’s a plus for me, so if you have one, I want to get a good look at it. I only searched for men over 40. I can’t imagine what the younger profiles are like. Well, I’m guessing the same, just more of them, right? There certainly were some good looking guys, and it helped that some of them used handsome as part of their profile name – I never would have known  if they hadn’t thoughtfully alerted me. But good looks don’t equal good character. My ex has a lot of handsome friends, and that focus group taught me not to get sucked in on good looks alone.

And (sort of) speaking of my ex, his mom reeeealllly wants me to broaden my choices through online dating. She even said she’d take my profile picture. Maybe I can use this one?

Pie

Profile: I like pie. I’m right-handed.

Is it my hand that’s tiny? Or is it a huge piece of pie? Did I eat the whole thing?

Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

**I just heard that Martha Stewart signed up for Match.com. Well, there you go. All my prospective three-armed men will now be flocking to her. Dammit, Martha! Must you be the center of attention of the whole online dating world, too??